Monday 30 October 2017

Stoke me a clipper

Week 6: Top 11 Results (Halloween Week) - 29 October 2017

Tradition dictates that the opening number of the Halloween week results show is always a little on the eccentric side, and this year’s is no exception. Once again we find ourselves inside Brendan’s head as he is haunted by a succession of sexy women.The band plays ‘Dreams’ by Fleetwood Mac which eventually segues into Rockwell’s ‘Somebody’s Watching Me’ as the female pros all emerge from under the stage dressed like sexy ravens and plotting to torture Brendan by, I dunno, making him watch a YouTube compilation of Shirley Ballas’s 10 Best Pot-Stirrers or something. Then all the men come out like sexy ravens too and Brendan gets lifted into the air and I’m kind of lost at this point so let’s just say it’s a metaphor for Brexit and have done with it. Brendan tries to escape, he fails, he looks haunted by his mistakes, the end.

Tess and Claudia return to the dancefloor, this time both wearing black albeit with Claudia having a white layer showing through from underneath, and this colour scheme carries through to the judges when they make their (re-)entrance, having ditched the fancy dress efforts from the performance show.

We begin, as ever, with a recap of the main show and I will, as ever, try to stick to the bits of information we didn’t already cover last night. Aston and Ruth talk about the impressive attention to detail from the make-up team, while Mollie tells us she’s having a big horn. We know, hon, we’ve heard all the showmance rumours. Jonnie tells us he’s going to be “a pirate who’s very dirty”. STOP READING MY DREAM JOURNAL, JONNIE. Davood fails to recognise Aston, Simon marvels at the very idea of waiting around for his wig, Susan jokes that she’s swapped hair colours with Debbie for the week. Then there’s a montage of people leaping out at other people in full Halloween make-up: Anton making Mollie jump, Debbie pouncing on Simon, and someone whose face we never see spooking Aston. Greg The Floor Manager properly milks his part this week by donning a black cape and putting on a macabre voice when he makes his usual “five minutes” announcement. Gorka tells Alexandra (who is clutching Family once again) that she was amazing and Alexandra says that she wants to do more tango, Aljaž is continuing to work on his northern accent, Simon and Karen are all “well, at least we had fun”, Jonnie is just pleased to have made it to the end of his cha cha cha, Rylan and Denise declare the quickstep Ruth’s best dance, Bonnie Langford says that she was nervous for Davood as his telly mum, Aston cheers his 10s, Debbie and Giovanni hug it out.

And then we come to the hard bit: Tess and the cue cards o’doom. Safely through to next week are: Davood and Nadiya, Debbie and Giovanni, Joe and Katya, and Alexandra and Gorka. And the first couple in the dance-off is...Mollie and AJ. On one hand I feel bad for her because she probably didn’t deserve to be there tonight, but on the other hand I’m just pleased I get to use the “Mollie, you in danger girl” joke I’ve been sitting on ever since they announced her casting several months ago. Mollie trots over to Tess and says that she’s gutted, but she’s just going to give it her best shot. Shirley says that she’s surprised to see Mollie here because she did so well first time out, but this time she should just get her weight a little further forward.

Claudia is with the four safe couples, and Giovanni hints that he has something special planned for Debbie’s birthday on Tuesday. Alexandra has got the cha cha cha next week and clearly isn’t that excited about it considering how pretty much everyone else has hated it this year [I loved how they were like 'even Aston didn't enjoy it' and he's done the only good one, although maybe he just didn't like Trolling up - Rad], but she trusts that Gorka knows what he’s doing. Davood has the American smooth next week and will be doing his first legal lifts of the competition, and jokes about dropping Nadiya on her head in training. Well, looking on the bright side, even if she does end up with a mild concussion in rehearsals, it’s not like it could make her choreography any worse. Joe has the charleston next week and is looking forward to being happy and goofy.

Next: Steps! Performing their hit(? - I assume, I don’t really know how measure a hit single these days unless it’s by Ed Sheeran) single ‘Scared Of The Dark’. It’s lovely to see them back on primetime BBC1 on one of the biggest shows around, but ever since watching Steps Reunion I just can’t watch them without wondering how much of the recording process involved Lisa passive-aggressively asking if someone who isn’t Claire could sing this line. [Also, the vocals... were not good?  At least not all together, when they appeared to each be in a different key - Rad]

After that, onward to what I think is officially called Dance Debrief now? [Except the opening chitchat STILL calls it Frame by Frame.  Make up your mind, show. Although Frame by Frame sounds stupid, so I'd stick with Dance Debrief - Rad] Shirley is up first to talk about Alexandra’s tango and how she was able to keep herself stable thanks to her strong core, Mollie. In what I can only assume will be the uncontested highlight of the entire series, Shirley asks Claudia to stand up so she can demonstrate the importance of core strength on her, “because you do slouch a little bit”. Poor slightly blindsided Claudia (no doubt having trauma flashbacks to when she used to host It Takes Two and was frequently forced to have dance lessons with Len) complies, and Shirley explains that the core is the fusebox of the body that keeps everything working, and then tries to get Claudia to sit down without bending her back. Having not quite finished bodying her, Shirley also mentions that she’s noticed Claudia flashing her undercrackers when she’s standing up once or twice as well. Claudia, breezily: “Good luck with the rest of the series up here, Shirley!” I’m absolutely terrified of Shirley in the best possible way. Next, Darcey wants to talk about DEBBEH and Giovanni, and how she really went for it but kept it clean and precise, and how now is the time to take risks. Craig praises the storytelling of Joe and Katya’s foxtrot and mentions that he really loved how much story Joe conveyed in those opening 15 seconds before the dance proper. Aren’t five of those seconds illegal? I can’t keep track any more. Finally, Bruno would like to revisit the flamenco aspect of Aston’s paso, reiterating his comments from last night about how this pays homage to (/was nicked wholesale from, probably) Joaquín Cortés.

Shall we see who is joining Mollie in the dance-off? Well, it’s not Aston and Janette, Susan and Kevin, Gemma and Aljaž, Ruth and Anton, or Jonnie and Oti (who are left to stew until last, presumably because the producers thought they might not get the opportunity to put the shit up them for a while), leaving Simon and Karen fighting for survival for the third time, and clearly on their way home.

Simon tells Tess that he thinks it’s actually called “The Simon Rimmer-Off” now. I think a “rimmer-off” would happen on a very different sort of show, hon, and probably not one that would air right before wholesome family entertainment like Blue Planet II. Simon says (hee) that he thinks they probably deserve to be here, but they’re just going to do their best. Tess asks Craig if there’s literally anything Simon can do at this point and Craig encourages him to straighten out his posture (OR SHIRLEY WILL GET YOU) and not splay his hands. Simon promises to glue his figures together right now. Heh.

Claudia is with the five safe couples, and Aston says that even getting his first 10s this week didn’t make it any easier to stand under those lights. Claudia reveals that Aston is giving out hand massages to anyone who wants one backstage. Gemma says that she’s so happy to be here every week, and the thought of potentially not getting another week on the show is horrible. Ruth is pleased to hear that she’s improving, because she doesn’t always feel that she is. Asked if he thought he was in the dance-off this week, Jonnie doesn’t directly answer but says that he really thought that he had let himself down with that dance, and he just wants to thank everyone who kept him in. Susan gets the biggest treat of all: a message from Emilia Clarke, in character as Daenerys, wishing her luck and doing a Brucie. By which I mean Emilia says Susan is her favourite, she isn’t picking up the glitterball and trying to fend McFly off with it. Susan says that Kevin is so handsome as Jon Snow, and she can’t thank people enough for voting, and even thanks the judges for “contributing to my Halloween joy”.

After a trailer for the upcoming week’s It Takes Two, we cut to the balcony of uncertain fate as Simon and Karen and Mollie and AJ steel themselves for the dance-off, even though we all know Mollie’s going through even should her legs fall out of their actual sockets before the 40-second mark. Claudia asks Simon if he’s going to take on board the judges’ comments and Simon’s all “um, I literally only know one way of dancing and that’s the way I did it last time?” Simon and Karen head to the floor and Mollie says that she and AJ will just have to give it “everything we’ve got inside of us”. Damn right, Missy, and if I think for one second you have kept even an inch of intestinal tract back, you can forget about still being here for Around The World Week II [do not invoke its name, Steve.  You already mentioned the 'F' word in yesterday's recap.  You're one 'R*** and R*** away from an intervention - Rad].

Simon and Karen reprise their American smooth, and somehow it’s actually worse than it was the first time: his feet are absolutely all over the place, and I think he’s just marking time before he can wave this show goodbye and give his poor leg a rest. Still, at least they remember not to eat the chicken this time. Then Mollie and AJ reprise their cha cha cha, and it’s pretty messy still - I think the pressure of being in the dance-off (even against Simon) has rattled Mollie, but she manages to keep it together enough to get to the end without any major problems.

Over to the judges for the hugely surprising decision of who to keep: all four of them want to keep Mollie and AJ, of course. Simon says he has has the most amazing experience, and everyone on the show is amazing. He says that he’ll never forget touching people (ie Shirley) with his waltz to ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, and finally thanks Karen for being wonderful at all times. Karen says that Simon has grown to be a great performer, it’s been a privilege to partner him, and also one last time for the people in the back, KAREN LIKE FOOD.

Simon and Karen have their last dance together to ‘All By Myself’ and I guess at least this was a less embarrassing theme week costume to go out in than his Movie Week costume would have been? Instant reactions: Alexandra thinks Simon is “an impeccable person” (I love her so much), Debbie thinks he was a special part of the team, Joe says much the same, Mollie is very grateful to still be here, Aston is excited to have popped his 10 cherry, Gemma is pleased to be in week 7, Susan is pleased but also sounds kind of emotionally exhausted at this point, Jonnie hopes to be better next week, Davood is looking forward to his American smooth, and Anton reveals that Ruth has the paso next. Well, that should be interesting.

Sunday 29 October 2017

All the fright moves

Week 6: Top 11 Perform (Hallowe’en Week) - 28 October 2017

To give credit to the celebrities on this show, they are leaving their vanity at the door this week and marking Hallowe’en week by sticking a torch under their chins and braving the harsh uplighting for this week’s intro VT. It’s not a particularly flattering angle for anybody, but on the other hand, you can hardly tell who any of them are from that angle in that light anyway.  And that’s not even the most undignified thing that happens in this VT, somebody decided to rhyme “heckling” with “fleckerling”. Still, maybe Jason Gilkison was watching this VT and might at least have learned how to pronounce “fleckerling” from it. Now let’s get on with the show!

Titles! I honestly can’t even look at Gorka in these without thinking how incredibly unfair it is for one person to be that photogenic.

I’m going to open with a brief note of housekeeping: my poor ancient laptop is in for repair this week and has taken an agonisingly long time to come back, so I’ve been reduced to attempting to recap on my tablet. Since the keyboard is a bit small and I have enough problems with RSI as it is, I’ve ended up dictating most of this week’s recap through the voice recognition software, so there may be more mistakes than usual. (Bizarrely, it recognised “Gorka” while I was speaking and then when I finished went back and retroactively changed it to “Gocke”. Nope, no idea.)

Since it’s Halloween, we open with a group number that involves the celebrities as well as the professionals. It begins with four of the celebrities (Susan, Davood, Ruth, and Gemma) taking a tour around the cobwebbed remains of what was once the Strictly studios. Entombed in glass cases are Brendan, Aljaž, and Pasha holding their respective glitterballs. I don’t think I had realised until this moment that so few former winners were still on the show. They then get to the fourth exhibit, which turns out to be Anton holding a pumpkin instead of a glitter ball. I am always here for any opening number that drags Anton. The band are quietly playing ‘It’s A Sin’ by the Pet Shop Boys in the background with the return of New Boy Jamie on lead vocals doing a fantastic job I have to say.  The camera then cuts to the skeletons of the former judges (with Skeleton Shirley wearing glasses <3) and folding up their 10 paddles. As we pan along the desk, we eventually come to Craig looking exactly the same as he always does lol. The celebrities screen into the camera at which point the song kicks in properly and the number erupts into a full choreographed routine, with the professionals as Edwardian-looking ghosts doing some sort of paso/tango fusion (NOBODY MENTION FUSION WEEK, WE DAREN’T WAKE IT FROM ITS SLUMBER!), and eventually the rest of the celebrities wander in doing their best scared faces to join in the fun. Gemma and Debbie are given brief solo showcase spots, and Susan is put at the front for the group section which, given that she seems to be several seconds behind everyone else for most of it, was probably a nicer idea in theory than in practice. I must give props to the hair, make-up and costume teams for this one, though, truly they have outdone themselves.

The set clears (as if by magic!) and Tess and Claudia make their entrance. Perhaps the most truly eerie thing of all tonight is how good Tess looks: she’s in a red velvet dress that fits her beautifully (although the sleeve caps are maybe the only part of the outfit that doesn’t completely work, but it’s such an improvement on her regular styling overall that I’m willing to overlook it on this occasion)  [I thought she looked amazing and I'll forgive the sleeve caps as a nod to the theme - Rad] and her hair looks great too. It’s sort of ironic, considering this is the one night of the series where she’d technically be allowed to look terrible. Claudia, by the way, is looking swell in a black fringe-effect dress that isn’t quite so noteworthy because it’s more in her everyday wheelhouse than Tess’s is. The judges are introduced to ‘The Monster Mash’, with Darcey as Little Red Riding Hood(?), Bruno dressed as Beetlejuice, Craig as The Joker and Shirley as Cruella DeVille. Why is Darcey the only one not dressed as a villain? Unless Vicky Gill thought the wolf was the hero of that story, I’m all for alternative readings of the classic texts.

The couples make their entrance: Ruth and Anton as Samantha Stephens and one of the two Darrins, probably the first one because they wouldn’t want to make Anton a gay or anything, Davood and Nadiya as Open-Shirted Man and Companion, Mollie and AJ as Straight Girl and GBF going to see Steps at GAY circa 2001, Gemma and Aljaž as Buffy Summers and one of the hench-vampires she meets early on in season one, Simon and Karen as Peaky-Looking Noel Fielding and That Woman Who Ran The Sweet Shop Your Parents Wouldn’t Let You Go To, Debbie and Giovanni as Dora The Explorer and Frankenstein’s Monster, Aston and Janette as Second Open-Shirted Man and Wonderbra-Wearing Companion, Joe and Katya as Man Trapped By Spider and Black Widow But Not The One Played By Scarlett Johansson, Susan and Kevin as IDK Some Game Of Thrones Shit I Don’t Watch It, Jonnie and Oti as Heavily-Guylinered Pirate and Fellow Plunderer, and Alexandra and Gorka as Sexy Zombies Who Won’t Just Eat Your Brains If You Know What I Mean.

Up first tonight are Jonnie and Oti. In their VT, Jonnie is very happy with how the quickstep went last week, particularly getting nine from Shirley. Of course their next mission is now to get a 10. Jonnie is particularly pleased to be a pirate for Halloween, because he thinks it’s very fitting what with him being an amputee and all. Jonnie tells Oti that he is going to take her to a pirate castle which of course prompts her to ask why they are going there  and Johnny replies “because we arrrrrr”. Bless him for fully getting into the spirit of this nonsense. A normal looking Oti arrives to see Jonnie dressed as a pirate, which I have to say is not a bad look on him at all. Any excuse to have that shirt front open tbh. Less successful is Jonnie’s pirate accent, which sounds a bit like Jim McDonald so it does. What their training mostly entails is paddling round a canal while wearing comedy moustaches and Johnny making jokes about doing a charrrr charrrr charrrr. It’s a good thing he’s pretty.

They are dancing to ‘Troublemaker’ by Olly Murs, and it doesn’t get off to the best of starts when Oti tries to throw her pirate booty for Jonnie to catch and he drops it. (And if you think I’m going to make a joke about Jonnie’s pirate booty, then...you probably know me quite well.) There are some reasonable basic cha-cha-cha steps at the beginning, but there is precious little hip movement and it’s not long before Jonnie starts to take the whole drunken sailor character a little bit too seriously and seems to be leaning on Oti to help him stay upright. There is also a bit of armography chucked in the middle, presumably to reduce the amount of time that Johnny has to spend actually doing the proper cha-cha-cha. It’s just clearly not his dance, and that’s a shame. [I know the cha cha is rarely good, with only Aston's standing out for the right reasons since, well, Natalie Gumede's, probably, but this year's cast are really taking it to new lows.  I thought this was the worst dance of the evening despite really liking these two - Rad]

Tess enthuses that we all know how much Jonnie loved being a pirate and makes Jonnie “arrr!” one last time, which he does as if responding to a slightly senile relative. Shirley opens by telling Jonnie it is difficult to open the show, and praising him on the theme. Oh dear. She thought there were some movements in there that were not that well-coordinated but she did like his natural top. I always thought Jonnie had the air of a natural top about him (*winks at camera*). She thought that it lacked rotation and body action. Bruno thinks that Jonnie launched his boat on the wrong tide and therefore his timing was a bit off. He says that it looked like Jonnie was walking the plank at times, but he is sure he will be back to his swashbuckling best soon. Craig laments the absence of hip action, and found it stumpy and flat-footed. Darcey says that Jonnie is struggling with technique he should focus on presentation to distract from it and really emphasise the character. Which is pretty much what he was doing here anyway, and clearly it didn’t work. Thanks Darcey!

They avast and belay up to the Clauditorium, where Claudia informs us that Jonnie really didn’t want to start the show, and was begging to go on second. Does he not know that is the death slot? Also apparently Jonnie has been begging to be either a pirate or Legolas for Halloween ever since he was cast, bless him. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 5 and Bruno 5 for a total of 20. Jonnie thinks that’s fair enough, but eep. It has to hurt getting a lower score out of 40 than you got the week before when it was only out of 30. Jonnie says he asked Aston for help this week and Aston was like “um, yeah” which tipped him off that this maybe wasn’t going to go so well. In honour of it being Halloween, Claudia summons a mummy to help with the terms and conditions this week - AJ’s mummy Debi, in fact. She’s every bit as natural on camera as her son, and make of that what you will.

In Jonnie’s coveted death slot, we have Ruth and Anton. Tess sits in the audience to join some of their supporters: Rylan, Stacey Solomon, and Denise Van Outen, who is sitting on a chair just like she did in Chicago [now the X Factor floodgates are well and truly open, the real question is will Rylan or Stacey do this show first? - Rad] . Ruth is doing a B*witched-themed quickstep so she will be wearing an outfit made entirely of denim and she will show you hers if you show her yours. Oh wait, wrong Bewitched. Ruth loved last week's samba even though she made some mistakes because she thinks it was the first time she went out on the dancefloor and didn’t feel nervous. Ruth tells us that she was a big fan of the series Bewitched, and she remembers Samantha used to wiggle her nose when she was doing magic. So Ruth gives it a go: she wiggles her nose and turns all the lights in London off, creates a thunderstorm, and turns Anton into a pumpkin and then a bunny. I mean, if you have the power to transform Anton into anything you like, and you don’t turn him into, say, Gorka or Pasha, then I feel that classifies as an abuse of your privilege.

Ruth descends from the ceiling on a broomstick and wiggles her nose, turning a stuffed rabbit into Anton, although he still has a fluffy tail stuck to his bottom. The Elizabeth Montgomery wig they’ve stuck her in is another absolute triumph, by the way. Ruth actually handles the opening side-by-side section fairly well, but when she gets into hold, it all rather crumbles. Her frame is weak and floppy, and there is a fair bit of camping. However, there is still a lightness of touch and a surprising elegance to the routine that I don’t know I would have predicted from Ruth five weeks ago.

Bruno tells Ruth that he was bewitched by her elegance, bothered by her frame, and bewildered by the fact that she went off on the wrong foot at one point but managed to mask the error and recover. Craig felt it was too heavy and sloppy for this particular dance, and also mentions that she went off on the wrong foot and her chassés were out of time. Ruth attempts to wiggle her nose and make Craig disappear, but sadly neither the sound nor the effects team are in a position to cooperate. Darcey found it charming and thought Ruth was light on her feet. She thinks Ruth is growing in confidence but needs to not get too comfortable. She praises Ruth for not showing her mistakes in her face and for some lovely chassés. Shirley agrees that Ruth is improving but says that she’ll have to deduct a point for the mistakes, and Anton’s all “okay, great, a nine this week is it?” and Shirley advises Anton not to make her actually count the errors. Hee. She thinks that despite the mistakes, Ruth is going in the right direction.

In the Clauditorium, Ruth says she was quite nervous about the broomstick part, so that made her a little bit more nervous overall than she was last week. She’s also very happy to have her “TV son” Rylan here to support her. Scores: Craig 4, Darcey 6, Shirley 6, Bruno 6 for a total of 22. That’s Ruth’s second highest score, and also places her ahead of Jonnie on the leaderboard for the first time ever. Truly, ‘tis a strange night. Anton suggests turning the sixes upside down and making it three nines and 38 overall. Maths not his strong suit, then.

Next we have Simon and Karen. They are dancing the American smooth (which was originally announced as a Viennese waltz, so I think we all know where this is going), and Simon says that he enjoyed their charleston last week even if nobody else did. To get into the mood of his Victorian-themed routine, where they are apparently playing royals, Simon summons his ancestors to meet Karen, It’s odd how his female ancestor looks suspiciously Venezuelan isn’t it? [I got incest vibes from this which is maybe not what they were aiming for? - Rad] In the VT, Simon even refers to his upcoming dance as a Viennese waltz, which implies that this change was made rather late in the day.

Their costumes are...odd. I don’t pretend to be Kate Williams, but they don’t look like any royals I’d recognise [I think they were supposed to be Sweeney Todd and Mrs Lovett at one stage? Maybe that got changed to 'royals' just before the show? - Rad]. When they get up and start dancing (to ‘Delilah’) you will see very quickly why the format of the dance has changed, because Simon’s technique is pretty terrible from the off. He’s either on tiptoes or completely flat-footed and the whole thing is just painfully sluggish. I know they had limited training time this week as a result of his injury from the dance-off last week, but I’m not sure there was ever going to be any salvaging this one however long they had. They end by biting into the chicken again, and are still chewing when they get over to Tess, and indeed for most of the next five minutes.

Craig thought it was the dance of the living dead and that rigor mortis had already set in. He thought it was incredibly stiff and Simon’s hands were splayed so he didn’t enjoy it at all, sorry. Darcey tells Simon (still chewing) that she knows he has had a hard week, but she loved how much he enjoyed playing that character. However, she found it lumpy throughout and urges him to soften his knees. She thought the best bit was at the beginning, presumably when they were both still sitting down. Shirley thinks Simon’s frame is still good but she tells him that he has to learn things like flats and crosses and closes. Technique, in other words. Bruno says it wasn’t an American smooth, it was an American Horror Story. Well I guess it shared the same casual disregard for plot, storytelling, characterisation etc. He adds that he has seen articulated lorries that moved more smoothly.

They make their way to the Clauditorium, STILL CHEWING, and Simon explains that they attempted to eat the chicken in the dress rehearsal, but realised that it was too dry to swallow and so they mustn’t eat it on the night. Glad to see that lesson sank in. Karen says she’s very proud of Simon for pulling that together in just eight hours of training, which is fair enough. Simon’s sister is in the audience and is a Strictly superfan who predicted that he’d get Karen all the way back in April. But then I guess you don’t need to be a superfan to know that KAREN LIKE FOOD. Scores: Craig 2, Darcey 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 4 for a total of 16. Simon thinks it was better than 16. Was it? [No, but I think Jonnie might have been worse than 20 and this was on a similar level, and LORD ONLY KNOWS we don't need a repeat of last week's tie-a-thon - Rad]

Next: Gemma and Aljaž. Gemma reminds us that her dress run from last week was better than her performance on the night, and Aljaž consoles her that she’s still doing an incredible job for a non-dancer. This week they are doing a jive where Gemma is a Slayer and Aljaž is a vampire. Their VT is the usual “one person is turning into a supernatural creature and their partner misunderstands for comic effect” effort that we get every year, so let’s skip to the end.

They are dancing to ‘Ever Fallen In Love (With Someone You Shouldn’t’ve)’ and it starts well with good rhythm and energy and characterisation, but something happens to Gemma around the halfway mark where her movements become sloppy and low energy, and the whole thing just fizzles out which is a real shame because if she had been able to maintain that level of performance throughout this could have been a real standout of the night.

Darcey felt that it was light and strong and compliments Gemma on having her body weight forward to create the proper jive posture, while maintaining a “fun, carefree attitude”. Did Darcey not watch the second half? Shirley noted some mistakes in the beginning but thought that Gemma’s link step was of good quality. She thought her posture could have been more forward, but Gemma will come back strong next week. Bruno calls her a jive Slayer and says there was a lot of content in that dance and she did it without breaking a sweat, and says that he loves her obvious joy of dance. Craig points out a lack of synchronicity but congratulates her on the spins and the retraction. Presumably Gemma said something incorrect on the radio this week and sorted it out quickly and publicly, good for her.

In the Clauditorium, Gemma apologises to Aljaž for forgetting the beginning which was the easiest bit. Claudia echoes Gemma’s joy of dance and says that she keeps saying her practising in the corridors. Scores: Craig 7, Darcey 8, Shirley 7, Bruno 8 for a total of 30. Aljaž is pleased because that is his best score for a jive yet. Yes, of all the...three that he has done on this show.

Next we have Joe and Katya with a spidery foxtrot. [Does not approve of the spider mouth thing.  It makes his face too out-of proportion with the blank forehead - Rad] We are given a welcome reminder of Joe's nipple-flashing paso doble from last week and Joe says that to get a 10 was mind-blowing. I have a feeling that many members of the audience felt similarly. The central gag of their video is that Katya doesn’t like spiders so Joe disguises her dog Crumble with some additional spider legs, and apparently Katya is not bright enough to recognise her own dog through a paper-thin disguise. Dancers, eh?

They are dancing to ‘Trouble’ by Coldplay, which seems more of a waltz-tempo than a foxtrot to me. Perhaps it doesn’t help that out of all the ballroom dances I find the foxtrot to have the fewest obviously-recognisable traits, but throughout this routine it’s quite hard to tell whether it is a good foxtrot or not. It also doesn’t help that the lighting is so dark and Joe is wearing so much black that I can’t really see what his legs are actually doing most of the time. That said I really like the theming here, it’s very evocative and well-played by both of them.

Shirley loved the creativity of the concept and Joe’s agility, but she thinks it was a little bit flat-footed generally. In general though, she was pleased with it. Bruno was pleased to see them not get overwhelmed by the concept and to make the routine fit in with the theming smoothly. Craig loved the energy of the performance, the storytelling, and the swing and sway. Darcey thinks he captured the pace of the routine perfectly and seemed to be in command most of the time. She is also happy that Katya did not eat him, as is Joe.

Up in the Clauditorium, Joe is really happy with how that went. [I'm pleased they broke their 'curse' at last - Rad] Scores: Craig 8, Darcey 8, Shirley 8, Bruno 8 for a total of 32, putting him at the top of the leaderboard for now.

Mollie and AJ are next, and Mollie says that last week was her favourite dance so far because she felt like a princess. This week she has the cha cha cha, and her comedy VT is about her losing focus and imagining Devil AJ and Angel AJ giving her conflicting advice. I think they are meant to be tiny figures whispering in her ear, but it’s AJ so I’m pretty sure they are shown actual size. Mollie’s acting throughout is Pasha-level.

They’re dancing to ‘Better The Devil You Know’ by Kylie, and within the general canon of Molly’s latin, this feels like one of the slightly better efforts. That said, it is still a week six cha-cha-cha, and as such is not terribly exciting. That’s probably the biggest problem with it: it isn’t good and it isn’t bad, it is just deeply deeply middling. Even the costumes for this one feel a little uninspired.

Tess patronises them (“so cute!”) and throws to Bruno who declares it devilishly good. He thinks she has improved since he was here last time (it was only two weeks ago, Bruno, calm down) but warns her to watch her foot placement. Craig thought she needed straighter legs throughout but thought she showed the beginnings of good hip movement. Darcey liked the sharp accents but thought Mollie had her weight a little far back, though she enjoyed the Kylie Minogue references in the arm movements. Shirley finishes by saying that she thought the personality was shining through, but she has issues with Mollie’s core and the way her shoulders are creeping up to her ears.

In the Clauditorium, Mollie squeals that she hates latin (hee), then quickly corrects herself and says that it’s not that she hates latin, it’s just that she loves ballroom. She has found this week tough, but loved having a good old bop to Kylie so it hasn’t all been bad. Scores: Craig 6, Darcey 7, Shirley 7, Bruno 7 for a total of 27. Mollie is slightly disappointed with that score.

Halfway leaderboard time!
1. Joe & Katya - 32
2. Gemma & Aljaž - 30
3. Mollie & AJ - 27
4. Ruth & Anton - 22
5. Jonnie & Oti - 20
6. Simon & Karen - 16

Our seventh couple of the evening is Alexandra and Gorka, dancing a zombie-themed tango. Tess jokes that we all know Alexandra is dead good, but will she be any good dead? What sells this joke is the way that it takes Alexandra a full two seconds to laugh at it, just as the editors cut away from her. Alexandra reflects on last week’s samba, and says that she feels she could’ve done better. In training, Alexandra says that Halloween has always reminded her of her childhood. Does that include the Halloweens of her actual childhood? Anyway, this is all a thin excuse for Alexandra to take Gorks to her primary school and have him interact cutely with children. [One up on Aston's VT from last week, BABY WARZ 2017 is ON - Rad] And sure enough, Gorka’s fist pump when one of the kids says that he’s their favourite is absolutely adorable (agorkable?). Small children scream wishes of good luck to them, and then we’re out.

Their tango is to ‘Maneater’ by Nelly Furtado, and it’s another strong effort from Alexandra: lots of clean, crisp lines, great staccato movement and, of course, a strong sense of DRAMA. There is what looks to be a bit of a stumble in the middle of the routine, but conveniently the camera is quite far away at this point so it is quite hard to be certain. Also, there is a part where Alexandra has to slide between Gorka’s legs and I’m pretty sure she accidentally head-butted his balls on the way through. Still, if you were that close, you’d go in for a closer look wouldn’t you?

Craig tells Alexandra that she came out all guns blazing and did not-stop until the end. He really and indeed truly loved it. Darcey thought Alexandra was fierce without being wild, and kept it strong. Shirley’s mic is malfunctioning here but she says something about Alexandra’s contracheck and then kisses her fingers, so I think the meaning is fairly clear. Bruno thinks Alexandra is like a tigress, but he did spot a small mistake in there and reminds her of the importance of stillness amid all the excitement.

They zomb up to the Clauditorium where Claudia apologises for the situation with Shirley’s microphone. Alex says she knows where she went wrong, and Gorka’s all “wrong? Where?” Heh. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 9, Shirley 9, Bruno 8 for a total of 35 and the highest tango score of the series. (Although prior to this it was Mollie and AJ with 25, so not a massive bar to clear.)

Davood and Nadiya are next with their rumba. Davood thinks that their performance of their jive last week was the best that they had ever done it, and he’s really excited to be around for Halloween week. Davood is, of course, struggling in training because the rumba is (say it with me kids) HARD FOR THE MEN, so they take some time away to go to a haunted hall of mirrors and the camera work gets a bit Blair Witch. Afterwards, Davood states that if he can deal with that house of horrors, he can definitely deal with Nadiya’s choreography. Sorry, “the rumba”.

Oy. So, here we go. I may have mentioned in the past that I don’t particularly rate Nadiya as a choreographer, and I’m afraid this week is where I lost patience with her entirely. The routine (to ‘Wicked Game’) is overwrought and Davood spends more time angstily clawing at his hair than he does doing any noticeable rumba steps, it is just lunge after lunge after lunge after lunge. It’s a shame, because I quite like their  concept (sexy haunted ghost bewitched rumba) but she doesn’t actually get him to do anything. I’m starting to feel quite sorry for Davood because I find myself wondering whether he might have actually been a lot better by now with a different partner, and I don’t think Nadiya is bringing anything to the show that’s worth keeping. Sorry. They’d have been better off taking Chloe off the subs bench than hiring her. Or Davood might have been better off just bringing Bonnie Langford over from EastEnders to partner him. [Yeah, agreed.  She doesn't seem to *get* this show, whereas Amy and Dianne almost got it too much and could do with dialling down a notch.  Or not getting comedy contestants next time to see what else they could bring a la Joanne - Rad]

Darcey tells him it “wasn’t bad”. It wasn’t a lot of things, Darce, including a rumba. She liked his expressive arms though. Shirley basically rips the choreography to shreds, although she addresses it to Davood rather than Nadiya. Bet Brendan is fuming. Bruno liked the “six-pack action” and thought he partnered Nadiya well. Craig liked it as a dance but not as a rumba, and says that what rumba was there wasn’t danced that well, but nonetheless he could’ve watched it for hours.

Up in the Clauditorium, Nadiya burbles on about how it is THE MOST DIFFICULT DANCE FOR A MAN (sidebar: I’ve done my fair share of dance lessons now and my counter argument is that the rumba is actually one of the easier dances for a man, so take that, received wisdom!) and I have just lost all interest in anything she might have to say at this point. Claudia points out that Bonnie Langford was in the audience tonight and went full tiger-mum during the judges’ comments. Scores: Craig 5, Darcey 7, Shirley 6, Bruno 7 for a total of 25. Davood is just glad it’s over. I wasn't aware it had ever started.

Next we have Susan and Kevin. Susan reflects on last week and having been bottom of the leaderboard, but is fairly philosophical about it and points out that it means the only way is up. They are doing a foxtrot to ‘Killer Queen’, but the overarching theme of the dance is their mutual love of Game of Thrones. The VT features Susan growing a dragon's tail and breathing fire everywhere. This is absolutely definitely a thing that happened to a character in an episode of this show which I totally, totally watch. In fact wasn’t it the arc for most of season four? Everyone growing tails? And breathing fire? (Okay, you caught me, I don’t watch Game of Thrones. I know nothing, Jon Snow.)

So Susan is playing Daenerys and Kevin is Jon Snow, as I understand it, although to be honest Kevin looks a bit more like “third henchman from the left in an episode of Blackadder. Susan descends on a dragon and it all makes for a very elaborate opening to the dance, but I find the combination of the foxtrot, Game of Thrones, and Queen to be a rather uneasy marriage. This theming really would have been better suited to a paso or tango perhaps, but the foxtrot is too light and airy and gentle to have a fire-breathing dragon in the background [I agree but I guess Louise's paso last year was almost exactly this theme, just without naming it as such - Rad]. They look like they’re having a lot of fun, and Susan’s ballroom is gradually improving, but she still looks a little bit lost whenever she’s out of hold. It’s great to see her giggling once it’s all over though.

Susan tells Tess that they’re just trying to keep it understated for Halloween. Heh. Shirley felt it lacked grace and elegance, and Susan got off on the wrong foot a few times. Kevin responds that for the “Halloween Game Of Thrones dragon-breathing foxtrot”, grace wasn’t really what they were aiming for and Shirley, to her credit, squawks with delighted laughter. Imagine the length of the snit fit that would have ensued if Kevin had tried that on Len. Bruno found it rather confused, but he left the madness of it all, of course. He had great fun watching it but spotted a lot of mistakes. Craig says that his ride-on mower at home had more grace and elegance, and frankly that’s more than I wanted to know about his personal life. Oh, and he says that Susan was out of hold for too long, because apparently that rule is in play again this week. Darcey liked that Susan is working on keeping her neck long and her shoulders down, but the character was so strong that she thinks Susan got overexcited.

In the Clauditorium, Susan says that she doesn’t remember making any mistakes. Kevin says that nobody wants to see subtle at Halloween. I don’t think we’re ever given much choice, hon. Apparently Emilia Clarke tweeted in support of Susan, and Claudia gives away that she knows about as much about Game of Thrones as I do. Scores: Craig 3, Darcey 5, Shirley 5, Bruno 5 for 18 in total.

Our penultimate couple this evening is Debbie and Giovanni. She is very pleased that last week’s rumba went so well, but now they are moving on to the charleston. To get in practice for their Frankenstein theme, Debbie draws upon her magical powers once again to turn Giovanni into a real monster, who lumbers around the room shouting “DEBBEH! DEBBEH!” Honestly sometimes I swear it’s like they read this blog for inspiration, I love it.

They are dancing to ‘Frankie’ by Sister Sledge, and there is some lovely swivel on display from Debbie here, who just seems to instinctively understand the limp ragdoll-style movements required for this dance. The section where Debbie disappears behind the scenery for a slightly underwhelming costume change feels a little unnecessary [and how.  Especially after the 10-second rule nonsense, you'd have thought they would have shied away from that - Rad], particularly since Ruth and Anton set the bar so high for those last week. Also, they have blatantly reused the lockers from Claudia and AJ’s foxtrot last year for the monster machine in this dance, but who can blame them? Everybody loves lockers! There is an around-the-world lift that is frankly death-defying, and towards the end there are noticeable slips and mistimings, but the enthusiasm of the whole thing it’s hard to resist. It actually puts me in mind of Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s charleston in terms of having some obvious errors that don’t actually detract from the overall impact of the performance. Also Debbie ends the routine upside down and doing the splits - what’s not to love?

Giovanni screams with delight afterwards, and Bruno tells them that he was bitterly disappointed that there was nothing wrong with it. Craig dings them for the clumsy lift, which Giovanni takes responsibility for, but he loved the cross, swivel, and hop which apparently we never see. Darcey loved the naughty flapper and the fearless lifts, and Shirley tell Debbie to come closer so she can hand over her Queen of Latin crown. Don’t do it Debbie, it’s a trap! Shirley says there was nothing she didn’t like. Is this getting 10s, d’you think?

They flap up to the Clauditorium where Debbie requests not to have to talk much because she still hasn’t got her breath back yet, so instead Claudia directs our attention to Debbie’s proud mum in the audience. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley “KWEEEEEN 10!” (I love Shirley so much) and Bruno 10 for a total of 39. Giovanni can’t believe it and grabs Debbie and shakes her.

Closing the show tonight are Aston and Janette. He is very happy to have made it this far, but is scared of doing the paso this week. They are dancing it to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ by Nirvana, and Janette decides they should practice in a graveyard, because reasons [I kind of saw this as Janette trolling everyone who hates her by giving them more to bitch about - Rad]. While they are there, they get spooked by some painted dude pretending to be a statue. [Hi Len!  Glad to see you're keeping gainfully employed! - Rad] Well, that was worthwhile.

I have been thinking for a while about Aston and the fact that while he is clearly one of the strongest dancers in this year’s competition, he has yet to have a real moment with a dance.This routine is easily the closest he’s come yet because it is incredibly strong and slick and dramatic, but the problem is that it is another excellent paso in a series that has already included lots of excellent pasos, and as a result I feel that the impact is diminished compared to what might of happened if we had seen this dance in week two or three. That’s not to take away from how good it is because it is great, but I still think we’re waiting for that “moment”. As it is, this is just another strong performance from the most reliable dancer of the series.

Craig says that the paso should not contain pop-and-lock, body ripples or hip hop generally and that routine was full of it - and he’s glad because he loved it. Darcey loved the feistiness and the strong shaping, particularly the way that Aston pushed out his pelvis (steady). Shirley liked the modern aspects to it, but seems a little uncertain about whether it fully satisfied the traditionalist in her. Bruno liked the marriage of tradition and innovation and thinks it was the perfect way to end the show. He then takes the opportunity to take up Brendan’s mantle and thank the hair, costume and make-up teams - except the people who worked on him. Hee.

Claudia tells them that this was their best week and Janette points out that Aston was wearing Cuban heels for the first time this week. Aston says he lost a heel halfway through, but he survived. Oh and they all send a kiss to Brian at home, but I don’t want to waste any more time on the world’s most boring bromance. Scores: Craig 9, Darcey 10, Shirley 9, Bruno 10 for a total of 38.

Final leaderboard:

1. Debbie & Giovanni - 39
2. Aston & Janette - 38
3. Alexandra & Gorka - 35
4. Joe & Katya - 32
5. Gemma & Aljaž - 30
6. Mollie & AJ - 27
7. Davood & Nadiya - 25
8. Ruth & Anton - 22
9. Jonnie & Oti - 20
10. Susan & Kevin - 18
11. Simon & Karen - 16

Nice to be back in the land of no ties, isn’t it? After the recap (and no, I’m not recapping the recap, writing this much on a table has broken my hands and my sanity as it is) everyone gathers on the dancefloor to wave us off and wonder which of them will get the honour of sending Simon home in the dance-off tomorrow. We’ll find out soon enough!

Friday 27 October 2017

This week on It Takes Two, we have learnt...

- Brian's jokes are still as bad as they were in week one.
- Brian thanks his supporters in the tone of voice usually heard when Brendan 'thanks' the judges.
- Brian also has a daughter called Amy.  LAYERS.
- Anton had trouble getting his trousers off in the dress rehearsal. That's a good thing, right?
- Karen couldn't look at Simon during the charleston because his facial expressions made her laugh.
- Everyone was shirtless a lot backstage this week.
- Natalie Lowe has already found her perfect wedding dress.
- Natalie has also bought into this year's new RUMBA IS HARD FOR WOMEN story.
- Natalie's favourite dance is the rumba. And the waltz. And the quickstep.
- Natalie wants Alexandra to put her ankles together, which sounds very Victorian until you note that she said this whilst hitching up her already short skirt to demo.
- The charleston is yet another of Natalie's favourites.
- Dianne thinks Brendan has the worst fashion sense, Brendan and Katya think it's Anton, Karen thinks it's Neil (which is the correct answer), Neil thinks it's Kevin. But at least everyone agrees that Katya is the most obnoxious energetic.
- Gemma thinks the dress run of her foxtrot was better than the one she did on the night.
- Aljaž says you can usually 'feel the bump' in the slow dances. Especially in the trousers wardrobe like to put the male pros in.
- Aljaž is genuinely scared of Hallowe'en.
- Simon is now saying that he was won the Lumbering Old Bloke Glitterball because he beat Richard and Brian.
- Karen had no idea that Simon slipped during the dance off because he was still in time (sort of) and she had her back to him at the time.
- Just for a change, there will be food in Simon’s Viennese waltz this weekend.
- Zoe’s attempt to do an Elizabeth Montgomery nose wiggle is not the best.
- Karen does a great witch's cackle try to look surprised.
- Likewise, Oti looks right at home in a crown.
- The contestants for the Children in Need Blue Peter special are Tim Vincent, Konnie Huq, Radzi Chinyanganya, Diane-Louise Jordan, Mark Curry and Anthea Turner. They will be dancing with Dianne, Neil, Chloe, Pasha, Amy and Brendan respectively.
- Natalie's been stealing dresses from Tess's wardrobe of asymmetrical necklines.
- Natalie thinks that Mollie and Gemma are the dark horses of the competition.  Please can this be the last we hear of Gemma being a dark horse thanks.
- Aston needs to give better head.  In his waltz movements get your minds  out of the gutter.
- Zoe watched on Saturday with a friend who'd never seen the show before and didn't have a clue what was going on.
- Oti forgot the quickstep choreography in the dress rehearsal.
- Jonnie’s Hallowe’en routine has a nautical theme. Hello sailor!
- Oti thinks celebrities hate the cha cha cha because it has an unusual rhythm.  And because of everything else about it.
- Oti had a 'little moment' when she saw Jonnie wiggle his hips in rehearsals.
- Oti bought Jonnie a burger and a donut as a reward for his good work on Saturday.
- Ruth was really worried about that outfit reveal in the samba because she thought that if they messed it up it would ruin the whole thing.
- It was all done with magnets so Ruth and Anton had to be careful not to stand too close together.
- Anton's latest trick to avoid 'demo time' is to wear tight trousers and lord knows we never want to see Anton dancing in trews that reveal too much ever again.
- Debbie’s training outfits remain amazing.
- And it looks as though she's been lending some of her fabulous leggings to Oti.
- Zoe is sick of the 'flapping bird' charleston move.
- Zoe was much more composed than the rest of the country when Janette sat opposite her with her bosom on display.
- Aston misses Brian and Brian misses Aston.
- Aston is playing a matador called Antonio in his paso. It’s fine but it’s no Tallulah The Tango Queen, is it?
- Jonnie is very embarrassed about using his hips in his cha cha cha.
- Alexandra prepares to be in the dance-off every week.
- When Alexandra goes into her 'beast' alter-ego too much, her feet go wonky.
- Gorka is trying to teach Alex how to roll her 'r's. It is not going well so far.
- Alexandra has whacked Gorka in his beautiful face in training. NEVER DO THIS AGAIN.
- Davood is finding the rumba hard because he is a man.  He hasn't got this year's memo that it has suddenly become hard for women, then.
- Tameka, Kellie and Davood have a little Strictly club on the set of EE.
- The audience for this show voted for Ian to wear Frankie's Elphaba costume instead of That Thing They Did to Ore last year because they have no imagination.
- They did paint Ian several shades of green darker than Frankie but he got to wear her actual outfit, and moaned she'd 'stretched it out'.  Alright, body shamer.
- Mollie and AJ are wearing tails in training but they're just flimsy ribbons compared to the full on stuffed tights tail Gemma wore in her charleston training.
- Jason Gilkison can’t say “fleckerl” properly.
- A contra check is in every ballroom dance.
- Vicky Gill hasn't sorted her kids' Halloween outfits yet.  Presumably she'll just give them Aston and Janette's once the show is over, they'll be the right size.
- Mollie is training 12 hours a day.
- AJ lets Mollie have water occasionally, which he thinks is proof that he's 'kind of kind.'
- Mollie talks about herself in the third person during training.
- Katya is now in a polyamorous relationship with Neil, Ed Balls and Joe.  If we take comedy pre-credits skits seriously, anyway.
- Debbie can rock a black leather mini-dress.
- Giovanni and Debbie spent a lot of the week leading up to the rumba focusing on her legs.  Fnar etc.
- 'Frankie' from Sister Sledge is apparently charleston music now.  Mm-hmm.
- Giovannni is wearing the Frankenstein's monster get-up this year.  Somewhere, Pasha is breathing a sigh of relief.
- Debbie's birthday is on Halloween.
- The show's run out of Friday panellists already so has taken to bringing in this year's evictees.
- Richard Coles has started a ceroc dance class at his local working men's club - it's unclear if he's started attending or if he's actually set it up.
- Ed Balls is a fan of Ruth pulling off her dress.
- Katy Brand thinks Alexandra can do 'angry but dignified' well.
- Ed Balls and Richard Coles are in disagreement over whether the cha cha move is a 'New Yorker' or a 'New York.'
- Gethin's homoerotic backstage adventures have taken a new turn this week: flirting with leather-jacket clad Aljaž and Pasha.
- Kevin likes to do (bad) Shirley impressions.
- Susan and Kevin had a huge geek-out when they saw their GoT costumes (Daenerys and Jon Snow).
- There might be a dragon in their foxtrot.
- Ruth is not into the bits in the quickstep where you have to stop running round the floor.
- Gemma's training narratives are just a constant stream of 'harder than I thought... I thought I was fit, but...' and are getting as annoying as the 'dark horse' bullshit.  Don't make me start to hate you, Gemma.
- For those who are watching Joe's sex appeal dwindle since he shaved his tache... he has the most godawful, ill-fitting lilac and grey suit.  And it's not even a costume.
- Joe doesn't seem to know if he's doing the tour or not yet.
- Shirley started dancing at 7.
- When asked who she'd like to dance, with, living or dead, Shirley's dream would be to dance with her son, Mark.  Surely that would not be that difficult to arrange?  Or is there a story here that's best not gotten into?
- Ed Balls' biggest regret was not doing the rumba.  It's hard to tell if he's joking or not.
- Ed Balls thinks Ruth and Simon might be in the bottom two, Katy Brand thinks Simon, Richard Coles says 'no idea'.
- Jonnie loves Fridays because you don't have to do much.
- Gemma finds it hard coping with the lighting, though, and Simon with the live music.
- Simon's injured his quads.
- Clean Bandit have gone all in with a black and white theme, presumably in tribute to Giovanni and Debbie's rumba.

Thursday 26 October 2017

Brian Gone-ly

Week 5: Top 12 Results - 23 October 2017

Last night! The leaderboard shuffled around again as Bruno’s absence brought in a clash of scores in the middle and at the bottom, with four couples on 16, another four on 24, and a couple of couples languishing in between those (Alexandra and Gorka, Davood and Nadiya). Joe took Shirley’s second 10 of the series, whilst Debbie and Giovanni got three nines for their rumba, putting them top of the leaderboard for this week.

We open with a pro-dance set in a 60s swinging club run by Anton, Pasha and Dianne. The sign at the back of the club claims it is a speed dating event, but as speed dating wasn’t invented until the late 1990s, I call this merely a pre-watershed euphemism. It’s a poppy, jive/rock ’n’ roll type thing that’s danced to 'Too Many Fish In The Sea' and it comes across with a lot of energy-riffing off Hairspray’s The Nicest Kids in Town (if it was set in let's-say-Rotherham's answer to Studio 54). Costume-wise, we are going with primary colours for the ladies, using more of Vicky Gill’s reams of red and yellow fabric - seriously, how much of that did she buy this week? (Browns for the men mostly.) It’s silly, but it’s fun, fast and we don’t have to witness the indignity of Anton flirting with anybody, except at the end when he with Dianne get off with each other - only implied, thankfully. Poor Pasha though, ends up all on his lonesome with nothing but a drink for company. I wouldn’t blame him if he started to feel the lure of Erin Island, to be honest. [NOOOOOOOOOOO! - Steve]

Tess and Claudia enter, both in black with white shoes. I like to think they’re wearing these colours in tribute to Debbie/Giovanni last night.

Recap of last night in which the following points of note happen: Brendan welcomes us because he is totally on board and on brand despite last week, honest; Debbie loves how everyone is all hugs and kisses backstage whilst Susan says they are like the best kind of family - all a bit odd and all in love with each other. I love how the show has gone from only tentatively embracing its gay side to now full on endorsing polyamory and incest how progressive; Gorka mimes along with the welcoming voice-over (who’d have thought it would be Aljaž that did that, hands up); they are making a big deal of Gemma being a dark horse, repeating Craig’s comments last night about her and - conspiracy theorists take note - she is the only contestant to receive support from somebody outside of the judges and dancers - Gilly from Hollyoaks congratulates her on doing it for Emmerdale, Manchester and all of her friends. Forgotten his soap roots already? I mean I get how you might want to run away from a character that started out being a complete idiot and ended up being a rapist who denied his actions, but still, did Ashley Taylor Dawson suffer for nothing if the legacy of Hollyoaks and Strictly is no longer remembered? Once upon a time we even had two contenders from there on the show. [Although they pretended Ali Bastian was from The Bill. - Steve] Don't tell me Strictly has dumped the Oaks for Emmerdale, I will not have it. (It's at this point I'm getting evicted from Yorkshire, isn't it?)

Time for our first set of results. Safe: Joe and Katya; Mollie and AJ; Davood and Nadiya; Debbie and Giovanni; Aston and Janette. In the dance off? It’s Simon and Karen and they don’t appear particularly surprised by this turn of events. In terms of advice, Craig says if Simon does at least one swivel on his good leg that will make him happy.

In the Clauditorium, Joe says that he is happy to be declared safe and thanks Neil Jones for lending him a lucky Paso jacket. The idea that Neil has a lucky paso jacket tantalises me about what his own pasos might look like, particularly as Katya has delivered so well this week. [It's probably also the most demure item in his wardrobe, based on his It Takes Two appearances. - Steve] Cliftons vs Joneses battle of the Pasos 2018 let’s have at it (NB Karen will probably get another duffer again and will never even do one).

You know how often Dragon has a mind of its own about what it thinks should be going in these recaps? I quote: ‘Claudia my darkest girl and we learned they will demand the something Jonnie Peacock, Johnny and when you daddy, like tomorrow and he says he’s not bitter at his absolute ones of the week we learned that Debbie and Giovanni are friends and makes you look hot notion’. That sounds like some kind of weird incantation, does it not? [I wasn't entirely unhappy about "Jonnie and when you daddy" though. - Steve] Anyway - I think the gist of it is that Mollie is doing a cha-cha next week and she’s not really up for it, Davood’s vote is suffering not least because his own daughters are voting for Jonnie Peacock instead of him, everyone ships Debbie and Giovanni, and Aston and Janette are dancing to Nirvana for Halloween week. I’m assuming it's Smells like Teen Spirit and I’m interested to see how the singers handle that opening line.

It’s now time for our Very Special Guest Performance. This week it’s The Script, featuring Him from The Script from The Voice and several other men, also presumably called Him from The Script. Aljaž and Oti do some whirling and swirling around in front of them, with a little bit of Paso shaping and some contemporary wafting. It’s all very earnest. Him from The Script is trying to sound like Bono and Chris Martin having an arm wrestling match except if both of them were even more feeble than they actually are, imagine that. Also, it literally only consists of the words ‘my arms are open’. Call yourselves The Script? Oh hang on a minute everyone, I think we’ve found the people responsible for all of Tess’s terrible jokes. Lynch them! (I mean not literally obviously that would be a terrible thing to make a joke about et cetera et cetera)

We’re back with Claudia for 'dance debrief' and the whole sofa looks just so bare and empty without Bruno on there. We cover what a chasse is - any three steps in a row; Gemma’s neck stretching too much so that she ended up looking at the ceiling (prompting Darcey to do a Bruno and demonstrate good neck whilst spreading her arms with gay abandon across both Craig and Shirley’s chests. Quick, call Ofcom!) Claudia asks Craig now if he liked Joe’s 'double knee hoo-ha' in the Paso. Craig says he likes the double pirouettes that then went onto his knee. We then cover Craig covering Bruno and he looks a little bit embarrassed.

And now we discover who is facing Simon and Karen in the dance off .  It’s not any of these people: Gemma and Aljaž; Jonnie and Oti; Alexandra and Gorka; Susan and Kevin - who Tess calls Susanna and Kevin - leaving Ruth and Anton to face the wobble of uncertainty before it is revealed that Brian and Amy are actually the two in the dance off. 

Brian says he’s thinking 'Errr… it’s a great song'. At least pretend to be grateful for the wunnerful opportunity to do it all again, Brian. Shirley tells him how to win is to 'make no mistakes'. So let’s get this straight: all Simon has to do is swivel his leg a little bit and Brian has to make no mistakes. Harsh. But fair.

With the rest of the saved couples we learn that Jonnie only wanted to make it to week six (lol hun sure you did); Gemma has a smelly bracelet of an elephant that she uses for luck; Alexandra and Gorka have the tango next week to 'Maneater' by Nelly Furtado and that better be as amazing as it sounds; Susan will be playing…. that blonde woman from Game of Thrones who likes dragons (you try teaching voice software to say her name. It still hasn’t learned alley hash and OT after three series).

We then get a trailer for next week - HALLOWEEN! Tess and Claudia are witches casting spells over all the contestants making them fly in the air.  For some reason the pros tell them not to do that - I don’t see why not, you’d get a guaranteed 10 from Bruno at least.

Our pre-dance off chat now and Claudia says that both couples are about to 'dance their last' and then abruptly adds 'chance'. I’d be quite happy with this being a double elimination, Claud, if you think we should go for that. Karen tells Simon to swivel and smile. I’m sure that’s the kind of thing you usually say to somebody when you want them to piss off, but actually that probably is what she means. Also Brian is really annoying in this bit and I can’t be bothered to recap him, you can thank me later.

As dance offs go, this is not going to be up there with the classics. They are both worse than the first time, but not in such a way that it is entirely hilarious. Simon falls over at one point, although just about gets himself up again. However, he does seem to have forgotten large chunks of the routine and the swivel he’s been told to provide all evening is still invisible as far as I can tell. He also looks completely and utterly knackered - almost as if he’s actually shilling to go home. Perhaps he seen his costume for next week and wants out, who can say? Surely it can’t be worse than Buzz Lightyear, but you never know. As for Brian, he has even less kick in his legs than before, with his right leg barely moving at all and also seems to have forgotten chunks of the routine. He then does a really ungainly move where he appears to almost break Amy’s arms.  It's dad dancing on a level we haven’t seen since, well, Simon last week. That dance off was not a triumph for yellow, guys, it’s getting hard to justify it as my favourite colour right now.

Craig says both couples made mistakes but he’s saving Simon and Karen for a little bit of swivel - so minimal you’ll need a microscope, but let's be honest he's saving him because he's the marginally less annoying one. Darcey also saves them for having a 'more finished performance'. Shirley, of course, would have saved Simon because she's going to save him over pretty much anyone.

So Brian doesn’t make it to Halloween even though he’s been shilling for it on ITT for the last couple of weeks what a shame. He then goes on and on about how much he loves Amy, who looks vaguely uncomfortable as she has done throughout the duration of this series. He also gets in a bit about how much he loves Aston, which is still the strangest relationship I’ve known in years of this show. Darcey starts crying for some reason - I suspect tears of joy. Amy breaks down crying as well. Tess says the scarecrow was her personal favourite - yes, Tess, as in the only vaguely decent dance he ever did. They dance out to 'Don’t Dream it’s Over' and Brian does that stupid not-the-splits thing and the audience don’t even respond, which is hilarious. I also love Simon’s pass-agg tribute to him at the end where he calls him a ‘sort of close friend’ rather than the usual BEST FWENDS/FAM4LYF rhetoric we usually have post-mortem.

Next week!  Will Joe and Katya do a rubbish dance again? Will Simon have an even worse costume than in Movie week?  Will they stop pretending Gemma is a dark horse? Steve will be with you to find out!

Wednesday 25 October 2017

Wherefore art thou, Tonioli-o?

Week 5: Top 12 Perform - 21 October 2017

Last week! Following a fairly boring first section, the emotions ran high as Alexandra gave us our first 10s of the series for her 'Proud Mary' jive, Susan and Kevin finished us all off [fnar -Steve] with their Morecambe and Wise quickstep and Jonnie and Gemma became official contenders. Meanwhile, Davood and Nadiya featured in our first shock!bottom two of the series, facing off against Brendan and Charlotte and bringing the Brendan vs Shirley narrative of the series to an abrupt end (if we exclude It Takes Two and all of the upcoming bitterviews Brendan will no doubt be giving until the next series).

Cue credits! Charlotte doesn’t really have the hang of the dancing thing even in front of the green screen, in retrospect.

Tess and Claudia enter. Tess is wearing a red dress - unusually with a symmetrical neckline, with a split up the thigh. Straightforward, does make her look a little bit Baywatch when combined with the fake tan. Claudia, however, appears to have been replaced by Anna Richardson for the evening. So maybe we are now going to be choosing dances purely based on the anatomy of their participants, just like in the old days like when Len would go woargh over a SPORTSMAN. (What do you mean we already have a tendency to judge on anatomy, how very dare you?)

The judges enter-individually, this time. Darcey is wearing a red dress with black lace; Craig a purple Velour suit and Shirley a blue dress the exact same colour as the studio lighting. Whether or not this was deliberate, I have no idea - it could go either way with the mind that is Shirley Ballas. 

Tess and Claudia alert us to the fact that Bruno is missing in case we hadn’t noticed, due to pre-existing work commitment (something to do with DWTS apparently, although when I went googling for what he was doing, I came across a DS thread that said Bruno being missing WOULD MESS WITH STRICTLY HISTORY. We've had Donnie 10s and that thing that happened last Christmas, I think the show will survive). They reassure us that he will be back for Halloween next week. Just a hunch, but I’m guessing that’s not the only time we’ll hear the H word this week - if not tonight, then it'll be all over the results show. 

Our stars enter: Ruth and Anton (Ruth in a blue dress with a white neckerchief that makes her look uncomfortably like Margaret Thatcher and a wig straight from the head of an 80s sitcom mum undergoing a mid-life crisis); Davood and Nadiya; AJ Mollie; Brian and Amy; Gemma and  
Aljaž; Simon and Karen; Debbie and Giovanni; Aston and Janette; Joe and Katya; Susan and Kevin; Jonnie and Oti; Alexandra and Gorka. Looking at the couples, there is quite the costuming going on this week. Three sets of yellow (and I like yellow, but the way it’s being deployed tonight - I’ll reserve my judgement on for now); two couples in black and white; Kevin and Susan wearing what looks to be plastic; Joe and Katya in full on Spanish stereotype overload; and Gemma’s come as Tess Daly-asymmetrical neckline and everything.

The first couple of the evening are Davood and Nadiya. Tess reminds us that last week they ended up in the dance off and that this week, their routine is set in a coffee shop and they only have 'one shot' to get it right. Not if they’re in the dance off again, Tess.

The comedy gimmick for their VT is that Davood says he is a method actor, so to get into character as a barista for his dance, he's going to have a go at being one in a coffee shop. Given that Davood’s main storylines on EastEnders have involved getting people pregnant and having a heart condition, I slightly worry what kind of method acting he’s been getting up to. Unsurprisingly, he can’t work the coffee machine - in Albert Square they still haven’t invented espresso, storyliners, give him a break. [Ben's bit of posh ordered an Americano in the caff the other day, they're getting there slowly. - Steve]

They are dancing the jive to 'Tell Her About It' and they are wearing the kind of outfits we usually see in the party Latin dances, which makes me wonder if Vicky Gill’s team have no faith in him staying much longer and want to use the designs they already have in their mind for him. He is wearing a red top slashed down the chest, while she’s wearing a red dress with colourful ruffles at the bottom. They are both wearing the same shade of red as Tess - clearly the market were doing a job offer on certain colours of fabric this week. Now, either being in the dance off last week has really got to him, or he is coming to the point where he hasn’t got much else to give, because this is not particularly good. It isn’t helped by the fact he’s wearing weirdly flared trousers that flap about every time he kicks and only emphasise the lack of precision in his kicks (and there's not much in the way of flicks). He stutters about, trying to coordinate his legs and the end results is quite messy. He does do a reasonable job with keeping up with the tempo, and there are one or two lifts and tricks that work okay, but as for the basic jive content? It’s not going to put him up there in the league of best jive ever (and let's be honest, anyone can join that club going on recent evidence).

Tess tells us they were full of beans because the script writers are all over the coffee jokes tonight (there was also an espresso one in the VT that I did not deign to recap) and introduces us to our singers, emphasising that Lance is back to replace that one shot Jamie just here for the Darkness cover last week. Lance puffs his chest out. You show him who the alpha is, Lance. Also, Dave Arch and the wonderful wonderful orchestra are here, too. Dave Arch looks weirdly sad, for some reason. I guess he really just misses Bruno. Or Brendan.

Shirley says they set the tone for the evening and she admires him trying the toe heel swivel and the pattycake hands. I'm slightly mesmerised by Shirley either wearing no lipstick or one that's very very pale, which, combined with her fake tan, means we can’t really see her lips at all.  Craig says he had little bit too much bodywork going on and needs to watch his free arm as it seemed a bit purposeless. He says the feet lacked some retraction and when he did a cartwheel his legs went perfectly straight and he needs to point his foot-unless in the Charleston. However, it was bright and lively and he thought he sold really well. Darcey says it was energised but Craig was right about the free arm and that his arm looked like it was dislocated from his socket. Just wait until you see their plan for Halloween, Darcey. Nadiya's got literal instruments of torture just waiting. [By that do you mean "her choreography"? - Steve] They bound up to the Clauditorium and we discover that Dianne and Chloe's matching dresses this week appear to be some kind of silver and gold stripey affairs. Davood shows us that he has socks with 'good luck Davood' written on them. Scores: six, eight, eight for a total of 22. Isn’t it weird that a total of 22 feels inflated? 

Time for the comedy terms and conditions routine - this week it’s performed to Björk's 'It's Oh So Quiet', with Brendan, Pasha and Neil dressing as swan dress era Björk to perform a comedy dance routine. Pasha’s comic timing remains, as ever, in a world of its own.

Mollie and AJ now, and an AJ fan has been clearly unhappy with the way we’ve been covering this couple so far, so perhaps this week they are due for a redemption arc? Or, more of the same bland, boring routines, who can say? In an act of revisionist history, their ropey performance last week that was treated then as a success is being presented here as a failure. Interesting.  That aside, their VT is basically a re-run of Davood and Nadiya’s from last week about getting sick during the Viennese waltz and I am not here for that at all. However, just as I was thinking that these guys are gonna have to try a lot harder to get me interested in new than simply repeating VT’s from an equally dull couple that we only saw a week ago, AJ the strict rears his head again and, instead of giving Mollie some namby-pamby sickness bracelets to overcome her motion sickness, takes her to ride on various white knuckle rides.…well, the teacups, followed by an actual horrible ride. Even teacups make me vomit, to be honest, and I bet Davood would have been blowing chunks everywhere. Mollie, sadly, remains composed.

Whilst I have not been invested in their dances up to this point, they’ve won me over this time simply by virtue of situating their dance on the murder rotunda at Lassiter’s Lake, complete with Shane Rebecchi’s piss fuelled Diwali lights (and if I have to explain those references to you then I am going to be mightily disappointed that the crossover between our readership and Neighbours viewership is not as strong as I believe it to be please sort your life priorities out). Mollie is wearing a nice white dress with a sparkly bodice-okay, so it is a little bit sub-tier Abbey Clancy, but it looks pretty enough for this kind of dance, even if her hair is in insufferably twee braids around the crown of her head. AJ, meanwhile is wearing a cravat as a tie, over an open shirt, which is a… choice, and tight trousers than you even normally see the likes of Aljaž in. Seriously - those things are giving me a closer look at his attributes than I ever necessarily wanted. It’s like the days of Nicky and his no-no all over again. If they are deliberately doing this to try and garner him a fan base alongside the other male pros, then I can see that it might be working. I can’t think of him that way, he’s too young, it would be like seeing one of my students in such a situation, but for those who don’t have such scruples, go ahead and feast your eyes. [Those trousers looked all wrong to me - Vicky Gill and the wardrobe team usually fit the men's trousers in a way that highlights their, erm, assets but AJ's were just far too tight and made him look like a city boy dressing down for All Bar One at the weekend. - Steve] They are dancing the Viennese waltz to 'Anyone Who Had a Heart' and it’s easily the best they’ve danced so far even if AJ’s trousers (and the uncomfortable way the pockets are peeking out the side of his legs because the trousers are just too damn tight-there really was no need for pockets in this situation) are kind of distracting. This kind of dance absolutely suits Mollie’s personality and, whilst it’s a Viennese waltz, so it’s hardly going to set the world alight, it’s the first time they’ve looked quite comfortable together and so a decent job all round, you two, well done. Now please don’t go and be boring again for the rest of the series, thanks.

Craig says he loved the opening armography, thought they took a little long to get into the Viennese proper, but when they did they had great frame and Mollie did a good job following AJ’s lead. However, with the shock news recently that rumba is difficult for female celebrities, we have a new HARD FOR TEH MENZ dance in town. Yes, Craig says the Viennese waltz is easier for the female celebrities than the males because they don’t have to lead. Will this become a running saga? God I hope not, but if it puts to death the terrible tales of the blokerumba, that will at least be some relief. Darcey said they looked like they were on a carousel of their own (?) and danced with real grace, but Mollie sometimes grimaces and holds on for grim death when she needs to have a little bit more fluidity in the body. Shirley says it was very romantic and that they transported her to a different place - me too, Shirley, but probably not the same one as you. She enjoyed the high-speed rotations, the swing and sway, and was especially pleased AJ had put together a reverse turn and a natural turn.

In the Clauditorium, we learned that Mollie trained for nearly 30 hours this week. Isn’t it time we have some stats about training on ITT? I feel like we usually have had them by this time of the series. Also: Mollie loves the ballroom. We also learn AJ is strict Monday-Thursday (according to Claudia and Mollie) but he claims his strict day is a Thursday. Oti, in the background, laughs, at the thought of having a single strict day. Scores: eight, eight, eight for a total of 24. Mollie gives a massive air punch after Craig’s score, and then feels she has to follow through with an air punch for the other two, but each of them feel remarkably timid in comparison. In the background, Ruth's Margaret Thatcher outfit and her ridiculous wig are distracting me.

We are promised Debbie and Giovanni doing the rumba in a rainstorm - with actual water? I am so here for that if so.

What I am less here for - Simon and Karen. I’ve got past the point of hating him, surely that’s all the journey he needs now producers?

If you thought Mollie and AJ’s VT was rehashing Davood and Nadiya’s from last week, that's nothing compared to this-in an exact replica of Ruth and Anton’s VT last week, Simon takes Karen onto the set of his TV show, where she chats to Tim Lovejoy and he performs some Charleston moves-Simon says these are Tim’s thoughts about what the Charleston looks like. Spoiler alert: they resemble it more than Simon’s attempts. As this is the most attention I have ever played to Tim Lovejoy in my life, does anyone know whether or not he adopted the name Tim as his professional name in direct reference to The Simpsons or whether that was just a coincidence? [I am deeply disappointed that his wife's name isn't Helen. - Steve] I’m not invested enough to the point of, say, wanting this to be a whole narrative on Strictly if he becomes a contestant in the future - I think we can live quite comfortably without. Also: this VT includes this line from Simon: 'my physicality struggles with the big swivel', so that’s something.

They’re dancing to a Gene Kelly song called 'Fit As a Fiddle', and this is a full on played for laughs routine, which is the only way they can really go, so I don’t blame Karen/the Charleston choreographers for this at all. However, it’s so corny that it might make viewers of a more sensitive dispositions teeth hurt. What is really odd about the whole thing is that this is a song from Singing in the Rain and it has been choreographed to almost exactly replicate the routine in the film (with a half-hearted nod to Charleston here and there). Why, then, wasn’t this just used in movies or musicals week? I’m sure Simon would have been perfectly fine not having to play Buzz Lightyear, for example. There’s also a nod in the routine to other classic slapstick, such as that of Laurel and Hardy - all of which means there is a lot of dancing that isn’t particularly Charleston and, given its Simon, bless him, a lot of dancing that isn’t particularly dancing. It suits Karen’s personality down to the ground, but I don’t think Simon is quite as adept at being a wacky goofball as she is. Perhaps one of the other comedy contestants might have been able to pull off the corny-ness a little better. Their yellow check costumes are an acquired taste, and, as with Davood, the bagginess of Simon’s trousers serve to make the footwork look even worse than it is.  The look kind of suits Karen though. And fair play to Simon, whilst he hasn’t got much in the way of technique, his energy is really showing and he’s making a valiant attempt at keeping up with the pace of the routine even if it doesn't quite extend to being in time with Karen. At the end, Karen shouts 'get in!'. I'm kind of assuming from that that rehearsals have, perhaps, gone even worse. All that said, I didn’t necessarily hate watching it - it was a mess, but an entertaining mess. 

Darcey said she loved his energy and thought it was sweet how matching they were, but felt it was missing some key ingredients (like most of the Charleston?) including swivel and character. She says he looked a little nervous throughout. Simon says he can't actually swivel as he did in his achilles a few years ago - but Darcey suggests he could have gone with the other leg. Simon, I don’t think you’re playing the injury game very well. Normally people make a whole thing of it through ITT appearances and VTs for weeks on end-bit late in the game to pull it out after you fail to do a dance, mate. Amateur. [Also, as someone who is recovering from an Achilles tendon injury at this very moment, I am not entirely convinced that it impacts one's swivelling abilities in any discernible way. - Steve] Shirley praises it from being massively entertaining and for Simon keeping up with the tempo change part-way through the music, whilst Craig says that he would have been happy just with swivel in Simon’s good leg and that when he does his flappy arms, he needs to break the wrist. Jesus, Craig, I know you’re the ‘mean judge’, but that’s taking it to extremes.

In the Clauditorium we get more discussion of Tim Lovejoy and it was bad enough when we had this kind of segment about actual famous people like Brian Connolly and also it might encourage more Eammon Holmes, so moving along swiftly - scores: five, five, six for a total of 16. Claudia previews Brian and Amy’s dance being done as a tribute to Hi-De-Hi!, only she pronounces it Hi D’Hi, which is hilariously posh.

Debbie and Giovanni next. Their VT is a tribute to Paul Daniels and that’s very sweet and everything, but there aren’t many jokes to be found here, so onto the dancing! Their rumba is to 'Baby Can I Hold You'. They have got the better part of the draw with costumes-Giovanni in a floaty white shirt and black trousers; Debbie in a black and white dress. The routine isn't perhaps quite as filthy as it could have been, going on the promise of their paso, but it is still pretty sensual and romantic. It’s the kind of dance that suits Debbie’s ballet background well, because she can do a lot of the posing and slower moves with ease. There is one point where Giovanni has to push her into doing the next move, so I’m not quite sure what happened there - otherwise, not perhaps the most exciting rumba we’ve ever seen, but a return to form and it gets a full on standing ovation from the audience.

Shirley says she’s lost somebody as well, so she could see Debbie performing that for Paul. She says she’s never seen anyone with a standing leg as beautiful as Debbie’s and she thought the dance was full of beautiful poise and balance. Craig says he feels the need to channel Bruno at this point, and goes into a full Bruno impersonation, flinging his arms and body around and praising Giovanni, before attempting to grope the female judges and putting his fist under his chin, then falling off the chair. That was actually really funny, bless him. [And, considering he had a hip operation last year, an impressive commitment to the bit at potentially great personal risk. - Steve] Darcey says she agrees, but won’t imitate that - she thought it was wonderful how Debbie caressed the floor with her feet and she loved the leg line.

In the Clauditorium, Claudia says nobody ever loves the rumba and she was surprised that Debbie did and Debbie says she’s been doing the rumba all around the supermarket. Scores: nine, nine, nine for a total of 27 and they are ecstatic about that.

Time for Claudia’s comedy corner. This week’s gag? Tess asks her to bring her something to nibble on from the shops. Claudia returns with a trolley full of Pasha. Okay, I’m dead. Which is handy, because that means I won’t have to relive the next dance, will I?

Oh no, apparently I’m in hell and I do. I’ve been really bad haven't I? I know, it was not particularly liking Mollie and AJ’s dance last week, wasn’t it? Anyway it’s Brian and Amy who will be doing their routine set in a holiday camp and they reminisce about their holiday camp experiences. Also: the show has been waiting for years to use up all of its Welsh jokes and references, so get ready for an onslaught. Brian and Amy go to Wales (largely unspecified, but a throwaway comment implies there in Caerphilly). They are dancing to Tom Jones ('It’s Not Unusual') and Amy is channelling Ruth Madoc in the opening to her dance, doing the xylophone and everything, as if she is auditioning for the surely forthcoming BBC Four origins of Hi-De-Hi drama. The 40th anniversary is coming up, get on it. (Although I am the exact same age as it, so let’s just imagine the 40th is many, many, many moons away).

They are wearing the Maplins blue and yellow and Amy definitely comes off better than Brian - who is wearing a banana coloured suit with a satin blue panel on the back of his waistcoat that looks like plastic and is a slightly different shade to his blue shirt. As for the dance, which is ostensibly a jive, it starts off with Brian attempting to do some kind of pastiche of Tom Jones dancing/the Carlton dance and failing to emulate either successfully… And it gets worse from there onwards. He is gaining all the way through, as is his tendency - when he’s out of hold, his hands are a complete mess, with him thinking of nothing to do with them - and even in hold, he still struggling to keep to time. Amy has quite cleverly choreographed a move into it where she is continually putting her hand on his back to push him into position and it perhaps looks a little bit less jolting than whatever happened in Giovanni and Debbie’s dance, but only because she's so clearly been rehearsing for him to go wrong. And for all the critique we had of Joanne’s skirt wafting in the jive last year, Amy's taking takes that to a whole 'nother level here.

Tess asks Craig if it put him in the holiday mood and Craig says not really. I don’t know Craig, I went to a holiday park earlier this year for research [I need to know more about this please - Steve] and the talent show was about on the same level - except that was with eight-year-olds in the off-season, who probably should have been at school anyway. Craig says he looks like a wind-up toy but at least he has some good energy. Darcey says she unusually loved it and then proceeds to slag every aspect of it off, such a strange one. Shirley says it has the feelgood factor and starts to make a wanking motion, naughty Shirley. She thinks he is safest in hold so he needs to try and stay in hold in all of his other dances if he stays in. Like to see that in, say, Charleston, Shirl.

In the Clauditorium, we hear that Amy put in a special move for Shirley, but we can't actually hear what this is because she whispers and then Brian waffles all over her and I have the foggiest and I’m not going to rewind it to find out, sorry. Scores: four, six, six for a 'oh we are at that stage of the competition already are we' score of 16. I might have given 16 in a week with four judges, I guess.

Also: Amy’s forced grin at the idea of staying another week with Brian Conley gets more and more desperate, doesn’t it?

Susan and Kevin now and Tess makes a nonsensical joke about pizza and garlic bread that Chris has already recapped better than I could, so I’ll leave you to read his critique. Anyway, last week they did well-this week they have the cha cha and are not even pretending the going to do the same thing this time round. No worries Susan, everybody’s cha cha this year (except Aston) has involved a VT of how much they hate it. Also, for those who remember the training rooms covered in heads in Helen Georges series, they seem to have invested one of Susan and Kevin’s training rooms as well.

They are dancing to 'Shout Out To My Ex' and Susan opens it as a woman in floods of tears covered in a big towelling dressing gown and pyjamas. What’s interesting in the story of this dance is that Susan (a lesbian) is playing a spurned lover of Craig (a bisexual man) whilst Kevin Clifton (a heterosexual man) [if he says so - Steve] plays her gay best friend, coming over to cheer her up. Layers upon layers here, people. The faffing about before they get into the dance goes on for ever, but they’re ripping up photos of Craig, which I guess is cathartic for some of the audience as well as them. Susan then gets rid of her dressing gown and pyjamas and looks a bit like Heather from EastEnders when they do all those Children in Need singing specials. This is not her dance-especially because her limbs really aren’t suited to this kind of routine and the dress makes her look super dumpy. Her arms are a total mess and I’m not sure cha cha favours anyone except the super graceful particularly, but it really doesn’t favour short people. It ends with them tipping glitter and junk food all over the set and then collapsing on the sofa, presumably in tribute to Kevin's classic first dance with Susanna Reid. 

Over with Tess, Susan claims have to have choked on glitter - and I'm getting flashbacks of Michelle McManus here. Kevin says he had a technique for getting Susan to remember the rhythm of the cha cha - to say 'Susan Calman is an awesome dancer'. Susan’s face demonstrates that this never really worked for her. 

Darcey says she steps out too much and that if she kept her movements tighter it would have been more controlled, although her performance sold it. Shirley says she loves her and she appreciates that Susan commits to the steps, even when the technique isn’t right. She tells her next week to actually start working on her arms. Craig says he’s upset that she ripped up his photos and that he loves her energy and performance, but technically it had no hip action and it wasn’t great. Susan says it was because she was so upset about them splitting up. I think it might have been funnier if Bruno had been the ex, especially as it would have had the sting of truth.

In the Clauditorium, Susan jokes that she's never been dumped and Digital Spy takes it literally. Scores: four, five, seven for a total of 16. Can’t say that was worth the seven, but then it probably wasn’t worth the four either - at least in comparison to the rest of tonight’s duffers.

We get a half-time leaderboard that hilariously has 3/6 couples on 16. Oh the joys of three judges.

Time for Aston and Janette now and Janette has set him some homework to 'think about what he loves most in the world' - surely better homework would be to master the actual waltz, Janette, but what do I know? Anyway, he loves his wife and the unborn baby and Aston really likes that sensation of feeling the baby kick - hey, it’s already better at it than Brian Conley.

They are dancing the waltz to 'Can’t Help Falling In Love With You' and they lucked out when it came to costumes. Aston is in a full-on Patrick Swayze style loosely fitted white shirt with black trousers, whilst Janette is in a really pretty ivory frilly dress. The dance itself is as unlike a waltz as anything we’ve seen on the show this series so far. It’s full of barely legal lifts, contemporary dancing/rumba elements and looks more like the kind of thing the pros do when they are dancing in front of the guest performer of the week’s latest dirge than as a technical ballroom routine. The bits that are waltz-like look fine, other than Aston’s back hunching over a little bit too much.

In the audience we cut to a woman who has PURITY OF DAHNCE written all over her face and remains sitting down resolutely whilst others give it a standing ovation. That was some sassy camerawork there.

Shirley says that in most places he had a good frame and it was pretty impressive. Fairly faint praise, there. Craig said he enjoyed it but in places it was a little bit too sharp, but he loved the contemporary opening because this week he's not being a rules lawyer. Darcey says she loves the modern twist and the expressiveness in his body, but she thought it was a bit too fussy for the waltz and it could have been more simple. She liked it better when they were in hold and she saw more grace and control. Scores: eight, eight, eight for a total of 24. 

Ruth and Anton now. The theme of their dance is going to be something about an aeroplane, with Ruth being an air hostess, so he takes her to a flight simulator that they use for training in British Airways (I think?) [that's the best guess I can make from the uniforms, yes - Steve]. A bunch of unfortunate employees have to sit in the simulation and dance along with them. Any one of them seems to be able to perform Latin better than Anton does. Hey ho.

The dance begins with Anton sitting as a passenger in a suit reading the paper, whilst Ruth (in her Maggie Thatcher dress) pushes a trolley around. 'Love Is In The Air' kicks in and the faffing about stops as they both rip off their clothes to reveal something quite, quite different underneath. Ruth's in a bright red and pink Latin dress, but it’s Anton who is taking overshadowing your partner to the extreme here. Looks like he watched what Oti was doing last week and took it as a challenge. This dance is all about Anton and his lack of respect for Latin, and if we have to have Anton!Latin, I would far rather he does it this way. He's resplendent in pink sparkly trousers and a bright pink shirt with enormous red and pink ruffles all the way up and down. It’s the campest thing on earth. Ruth, bless her, is hopeless - she can’t go under Anton’s arms when he tries to twirl her round - multiple times. And mostly she’s just there as a prop for Anton to whirl around, but what larks. See, Brendan, that's how you overcompensate. [This was SUCH a mess, but I loved it. I laughed so much I nearly passed out. - Steve]

Craig said it took him back to being in the Pan Pacific Grand Prix of Strictly Ballroom and the 1950s and says he finds it hard to dig because he could see it was a parody, but there was also some Samba content in there somewhere. Anton: 'That was the real McCoy dear'. Craig says he loved the comedy, but not so much the technique. Darcey says she loved the crazy side of Ruth - yes, because Ruth was so present in all of that, Darcey. Shirley appreciates the parody of dance specifically from 1976 to 1979. Such a nerd, I love it.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Ruth is usually in tears on Tuesday. Somewhere, Mollie is cursing her lot. Scores: five, five, six for a total of 16 - the official score of duffers tonight.

Gemma and Aljaž now, and apparently Gemma felt last week that she was dancing for all the women last week. I’m not sure who we as women are supposed to be rooting for yet though. Is it plucky Debbie who is long-limbed despite being 58, Susan who is every woman and so relateable, Ruth who has to put up with Eammon, Alexandra who is a confident monster emotional being, or Gemma who is DED NORMAL. Also the foxtrot makes her feel sick but we already had several of those with the VWs this series, so *fast-forward*. [To be fair, I'm sure anyone who watched the series six final feels sick whenever they see a foxtrot too. - Steve]

They are dancing to Cher's 'Believe', which is the perfect tune for party Latin, or dancing on the fridge as per my French housemates from uni days, but not really a foxtrot tune. This is some useless John Lewis version of it, so they lose points for that, but they have some of the nicer costumes - Gemma in a lace and gold dress, Aljaž in black figure hugging trousers, but not quite the level of AJ's. The dance itself is very moody and full of lots of contemporary wafting - not a very foxtrotty foxtrot, but closer to the spirit of the dance than that thing Janette and Aston did earlier, so I can’t complain too much.

Darcey says she was taken with the dance and the emotion of it, Shirley says she managed to bring romance, with a gentle rise and fall, but her steps small when she does the quick quick (as in quick quick slow), so the opposite issue to Susan. Craig says the front runners in the competition need to start being worried. I’m not sure who Craig is referring to by the front runners (I assume Debbie, Aston and Alexandra) but Gemma has beaten all of them at least once or will have by the end of the evening and, other than her first week, she’s always been up there in the leaderboard. Plus they’re the only couple whose scores have improved week on week. (Yet another thing Bruno has gone and ruined with his DISRESPECTING OF STRICTLY HISTOTY) - they might be trying to make her a dark horse, but their stats say otherwise.

In the Clauditorium, we learn that Mollie loves to be in hold and Gemma hates it. We also learn that foxtrot is Aljaž’s favourite. He really is weird this series, isn't he? Scores: eight, eight, eight for a total of 24. Working really well, this three-judge setup.

Claudia says all Gemma wants to do is make Aljaž happy. Gemma pulls a face that suggests otherwise. As she should. #everydaysexism

Jo and Katya now and their trajectory has been very much good dance bad dance good dance bad dance, meaning this week should be their turn for a good dance. They are dancing the Paso Doble, so of course, they need to do one of those fat suits sumo wrestling things. This VT is pointless and I’m over it already.

They are dancing the Paso to 'Diablo Rojo' and the more traditional style of music works in their favour. This is a real change in form from last week-it is powerful and dynamic and he copes really well with the shaping, if he is a bit clumpy in the transitions. He is wearing the full Matador gear and she’s wearing a flamenco dress and this is the first good bloke Paso we’ve had all series (unsurprisingly given who’s had them so far), and it puts him up there with the lady Pasos, which have all been pretty enjoyable so far. It could be the year of the good Paso is, potentially, thinking about who still hasn’t done one. Even Ruth and Anton might pull something hilarious out of the bag, you never know. There are one or two moments where it looks a little forced, or he overdoes the movement, but overall it’s a solid attempt so and probably his best dance yet.

Shirley says 'the Phoenix is risen from the ashes'. Don’t worry, they'll be down there again next week on the evidence so far. She says there was so much 'candy' in there that she didn’t know what to look at and that it was really clever choreography. She says it’s the best male paso so far, but its competition is Brian and Richard so… Craig said it had a few stilted moments, but had strong shaping and commitment and he executed some difficult moves really well. Darcey loved the Spanish-style and the selecting and shaping. She praises Katya's choreography again. Tess says 'the best male paso of the series, it doesn't get better than that'. Well, there are a good few left to come, Tess, let’s not get too hasty. Joe points out that he shaved his body hair and that must have helped. I think the jury is out on that. Scores: seven, nine, ten (!) for a total of 26. I’m not sure anyone would have predicted this would be the second dance Shirley would drop the 10 for, but such is the mystery of the Ballas. 

Alexandra and Gorka now and their VT reminds us that they had a triumphant jive, but they've got the samba this week, so good luck keeping that up. Apparently Alexandra has balance issues, so the latest in her elocution lessons involves her putting a book on her head and not being able to find books as she puts a box of Godiva chocolates on her head and we get a view of Casa Alexandra. She has a lot of family photos on her coffee table which doesn't seem very practical.

They are dancing to 'Shape Of You'. And have we not already learned our lessons about Ed Sheeran, show? Alexandra is also in some yellow fabric from Vicky Gill’s job lot, whilst Gorka is in black. In places, this routine is really sexy - as if they’ve been taking lessons from Giovanni and Debbie - but unfortunately when they do side by sides it loses a bit of this energy. It mostly feels a little bit underpowered, which is unusual, coming from Alexandra Burke. Her hair is all over the place as well, as they styled it down and it seems to be getting in the way and distracting her. Oh well - not a terrible dance by any stretch of the imagination, but she's certainly got better in her.

Craig says she danced brilliantly but she is pigeon-toed. Has he stolen the cue cards for after Aston?  Darcey says her body doesn’t stop moving and she has really fluid isolations, but she does have to clean up her transitions and bring her feet together. Shirley says they expect a lot from her because she has great power and energy, but she agrees with Craig and Darcey that she needs to work on the detail scores: seven, eight, eight for a total of 23 and she seems pretty disappointed with that. She says it’s fine, but we all know that with three judges that feels a lot worse than it might have done had Bruno been along to give it the eight or nine he almost certainly would have done.

Claudia reveals we only have one couple left, hallelujah!

And here they are - Jonnie and Oti. They’ve come after Alexandra and Gorka yet again - the draw monkeys need to work harder. We are reminded that last week, Craig told Jonnie he had have acting lessons, so this week they bring in an acting coach who looks and acts like a caricature of an acting coach, and I suspect they might have got him from Fiverr. He tells Jonnie to flirt with the camera and Jonnie gives it the look of disdain you would expect from him. Still, I suspect/hope that's the end of that storyline now.

They are dancing the quickstep to 'Part-Time Lover'.  It's set in a supermarket, where Jonnie is the shop boy and Oti the glamorous lady customer coming in and practising her rumba moves down the aisle. Debbie McGee inspiring whole routines, what a goddess. They're even in black and white.  As we know from his jive, he can do bouncy goofy dances pretty well, and he's using his blade again which seems to really help. I’m not necessarily claiming that I see a great deal of improved performance in his face, but I do see him giving some sly looks at the camera because he knows we'll be looking at that. His arms, though, are a bit rubbish-sticking out at really unusual angles in places. Then Oti throws an apple him and leaves her shopping in the supermarket. The end. 

Jonnie reveals rehearsals went badly.  Tess tells him to flirt down the camera and he looks at the one that is actually filming him and then she directs him to another one. The coordination on this show, so slick. Darcey says she saw character coming through hooray. Shirley says he puts a new meaning to 'spring in the step' and Johnny says 'excuse the pun' and Shirley blushes.  God, can you IMAGINE how Len would have reacted to that? Craig says that the stars seem to be aligning for him with all the elements, including the acting, coming together. He says Jonnie does have some tension in his back and he kicked a little bit early in one of the sections but otherwise loved it. In the Clauditorium, we learn that Johnny has dreamt about the dance twice this week. Scores, seven, eight, nine for a total of 24.

Shall we have a leaderboard? 

1. Debbie and Giovanni 27 
2. Joe and Katya 26 
3=. Mollie and AJ 24 
3=. Aston and Janette 24 
3=. Gemma and Aljaž 24 
3=. Jonnie and Oti 24 
7. Alexandra and Gorka 23 
8. Davood and Nadiya 22 
9=. Simon and Karen 16 
9=. Brian and Amy 16 
9=. Ruth and Anton 16 
9=. Susan and Kevin 16

So from that we learn two things. One, they're trying really hard to give this series a sense of drama with lots of people rising and falling at a faster rate than Brendan in a tango. And two, that three judges leads to a leaderboard pile-up of chaos. But will the four way tie at the bottom doom two duffers, or will the scuffle at, well, not the bottom, mean we see a SHOCK!BOOT?  Join me (and Him from The Script and the other ones from The Script) tomorrow to see.